SAT. Woman Awarded Trophy For Enduring 17 Hours Of Senseless Agony Instead Of Getting Epidural
MILWAUKEE, WI — After hours of horrifying agony and non-stop screaming, local woman Jessica Poulter was awarded a cool trophy for giving birth without an epidural.
The entire staff of the hospital held a parade in her honor, praising her for unnecessarily enduring 17 hours of senseless pain.
“Hooray! You felt so much pain! Woooo!” shouted local nurse Ashley Simpson, blowing a kazoo. “We are so proud of you for hurting so much. It’s such an amazing accomplishment, going through needless torture and screaming like a she-devil all through the night. All for this little six-inch trophy. Yippee!”
According to sources, women across the country have begun clamoring to go through unbelievably intense, excruciating pain in order to also receive a small commemorative trophy. “I don’t care if I pass out from the torment, I’m going to get a trophy,” said local woman Sydney Harris, as she went into the Labor and Delivery ward. “Why avoid the worst pain imaginable when you could just experience it? A tiny trophy — that’s why. It’s a forever sign that I can hurt really, really bad.”
At publishing time, Mrs. Poulter had still not come around to be available for comment.
